Dating the Counterfeit – Chapter 5: It’s Never Just the Little Things

Dating the Counterfeit – Chapter 5: It’s Never Just the Little Things

My time in Toulouse has now come to an end. Sam and I had met up every weekend since we first met. The more I looked at him, the more I could intellectualize why I was falling for him. We are both extremely intelligent and ambitious. I admire the way he thinks. He has brought me to a place where I understand that there is a formula for everything—and that I could have anything, as long as I understand what game I am playing. He emphasized the importance of talented people being more strategic with life. Why fight hard for something when someone’s dad already invited them in? Just go say hi to the dad.

Our brains truly complemented each other. I am an extremely fast learner, and he had lessons I had never been taught. If anything, I am addicted to learning. I’ve always sat front row in class, and have never had a problem giving my professor eye contact. However, like I said, the more I looked at him, the more I could intellectualize why I was falling for him. Being back in the US, has brought a certain clarity to me that Mr. TDH (Tall, Dark, and Handsome)… is just Mr. TD.

France’s educational system is wired in a strange way. You have to attend a certain prep school in order to be recognized by the most prestigious universities in France. But the best prep schools are in the most affluent areas, and you have to live in those areas to qualify. Statistically, not many Black families are able to live there, which means not many Black students make it into the top schools. I studied at the top school, and my preference has always been Black men. So, being back in the US, I started to realize that maybe I found Sam so attractive because I hadn’t been around any Black men in such a long time. My intense feeling may have just been my brain finding relief in the familiarity.

I have always been labeled as a high-achieving, beautiful, Black woman. A characteristic I feared most, is that my ability to perceive my self-value as high will put me in a position to miss out on a blessing, due to vanity. In avoidance of this potential reality, I proactively practice humility. Subconsciously always telling myself to choose the thing I do not want, in order to not have an overinflated personality. I live a life that highlights how favored I am. Yes, I have lost my mom and sister. But, this is not a new phenomenon. Many people lose loved-ones. But, look at me. Casually just did a semester at a top business school in France. In my loss, I still thrive. Many people call it serendipity. I call it blessed. There have been times I walked into competitions and even tried to help the other team, because I was certain favor would shine on me. I am designed to succeed. With this knowledge of myself, I do not want the light over my life, to deter others from becoming who they are meant to be.

So despite my reservations about his attractiveness, I could see that Sam and I shared similar values. I believed our minds together had the ability to make ripples in history. From that day forward, I made the conscious decision to love him. Haha—isn’t that weird? My brain speaking for my heart? But the heart is fickle. And I know that anything I put my brain towards, I can stick with. Or… is this what’s wrong with me?

Surprisingly, a year of long distance wasn’t bad. We spent a lot of time truly getting to know each other. My closest friends in Atlanta were shocked that I was able to commit to a man I hadn’t physically seen in a year. It did not make any sense to them. I am young. I am beautiful, charismatic, and intelligent. The world is my oyster. And without a shadow of a doubt, there is a pearl inside. But why explore when Sam and I are compatible. I loved Sam so much that it felt like a veil was over my eyes. They simply refuse to see anyone else. I trust him the same way. Though we were an ocean apart, our love evokes loyalty.

Sam is infused into my daily routine—almost like a romantic pen pal. I tell him things I had never even spoken out loud before. I share everything with him.

And then, one particular day, I shared a video of my sister singing in church. In the background, you could hear me give a quick holler when she hit her highest note. Sam, in his calm and collected voice, said, “You should never scream in church.”

In a matter of seconds, my walls went back up. I suddenly felt I couldn’t trust him. Yes, it may sound dramatic, but Sam understood how rare it was for me to show emotion in public. I am so reserved and calculated. In that moment, what I heard him saying was that how others view me is more important than being genuine.

Even when I take into consideration the settings of the hollering…the church—the very place where vulnerability should be welcomed—wasn’t safe? That moment made me feel like Sam might be a dangerous person. His little jokes about “playing the game to win” began to touch my spirit differently. I can’t fully explain it yet, but I think I’m in love with a dangerous man.